Dear Straight Talk: Regarding your column on oral sex, I think teens today define oral sex differently than “sex” due to the media coverage of a president who had trouble with the word “is”.
That aside, as the mother of a teen girl, I’d like to ask your teen panel exactly who is doing what to whom? In other words, is it usually the girl who performs oral sex? I realize that males tend to be more demanding about their sexual needs, but if girls are allowing themselves to be used, without reciprocation, they need a wake-up call. Sex (by any definition) is supposed to be a loving and gratifying act between two people, not something that only satisfies the urges of one partner.
Safe sex is important, but girls shouldn’t degrade themselves for someone else’s pleasure. If this is what is expected in order to get a date or have a boyfriend, then no wonder low self-esteem among girls is widespread.—Anyone’s Mom
Dear Anyone’s Mom: The teen staff answers your letter better than I could, complete with statistics, analysis, and solid advice. Pass the word to your daughter: saying no is the hot thing to do.
From Jarrad, 17: Relationships are more complex than this description, but, yes, girls are giving it a lot more than guys. I’d estimate that 65% of girls do it for guys, while 35% of guys do it for girls. Basically, the guys ask and the girls do it. In 98% of the cases, the guy doesn’t demand or use pressure, he just asks. If a guy uses pressure, he’s toast. Pressure is simply not tolerated anymore.
Of course, the social pressure is huge. Girls mainly put out for popularity—there’s really no other explanation. If a girl doesn’t put out, she gets labeled a prude, and then, unless she’s really good looking, guys won’t go for her. Guys aren’t that caring. If they can’t get it, they’re gone. If the girl gives it, they stay, maybe, but often she’s just on “booty call”. Love sometimes happens (like I said, it’s complex), but not usually.
I wish girls would realize they can say no just as easily as yes. If they say no, and the guy leaves, good! He didn’t really care about you. Personally, easy girls turn me off. I’m turned on by girls who say no.
From Farren, 18: Many young women don’t have the education or support to say no. For them, an act such as oral sex is a ticket to receiving love and security, and if they aren’t receiving this from family and friends, they turn to guys hoping that by giving pleasure they will be loved in return. The mindset of guys is beyond me. I think they just really enjoy getting oral sex, regardless of the girl’s feelings.
From Geoff, 21: A college friend who is in love with her boyfriend recently abandoned her vow to abstain from sex before marriage. She asked me, “Is it bad if I do it just to please him?” My response: “If the loving is not physically and mentally mutual, it’s bad sex.”
From Brittney, 18: Things have changed since I started high school in that sexual activity, especially oral sex, starts younger and younger. Girls definitely perform it more than guys. It’s not that they have to, it’s that they think they have to. It’s a desperate grab to feel liked. For girls, popularity is the most important thing, and girls are brutal in doing whatever it takes.
Guys really do want the chase and the challenge. Giving sexual favors too soon can actually derail a relationship. Before engaging in sexual activity, make sure you have something real to start with and that there is mutual respect. Never perform sexually to get someone to love you. It just doesn’t work.