Dear Straight Talk: As a parent, I find your column very helpful. I have a situation I've not read about. Over the past two weeks, I kept asking my youngest about his homework assignment and he kept saying he had it handled. It turned out he had barely started it. He is a high school freshman. Can anyone explain why he would lie so profusely when the truth would surely come to light? He has no answer for me. Also, should I be on the lookout for more lies? — Confused and hurt in Davis, Calif.
Editor's Note: For elaboration on constructively handling a significant insult from your teen (such as being lied to), I am steering you to our recent column of OCT 10, 2012 which dealt with kids saying "F– you" to their parents. Though a more loaded insult, the basic solution is the same. While I've presented the bare bones of it here, that column has specific response examples and why this method works.
Today's column also makes me want to throw in another wake-up call about the benefits of starting middle and high school later. The schools that have moved start times back an hour prove it's a game changer in making adolescent stress more cope-able. Adolescent sleep cycles are biologically wired for 'later to bed, later to rise' (no, they are not just being lazy), yet most teens now start school before 8AM, earlier than most adults start work. Please see our column of MAR 21, 2012 for more on this extremely important issue.
Finding our columns: It's not a jungle in here. You can find columns easily three different ways: 1) click the live link if there is one; 2) find the column by date in our "Weekly Columns" archives; 3) use our Search by Topic list. For instance, the "F– you" column is under "Conflict in General" and "Obscenities & Language." The "sleep" column is under "Schools" and "Health," subcategory "Sleep." Pleasant reading! —Lauren
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Comments
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Lauren, I have appreciated you and your panel over the past several years , and you usually are on target. But, as a teacher for over thirty-seven years, I have to tell you that I think you missed the biggest issue in yesterday’s column about homework. No one dealt with the obvious: freshmen (and some other high schoolers) often lie about homework because they just don’t want to do it. It is one of the biggest issues we face in high school today—how to help teens become more self-disciplined and recognize the importance of following through with commitments. It is very possible that this young person isn’t over-committed or stressed, and his mom should first start with the idea that he just did not want to do the work….and lied to get out of it. When confronted with the reality of failing grades because of not doing homework, most students will admit they thought they could get away with the path of least resistance. They need the adults in their lives to h!
old them accountable—the faster that happens, the happier and more successful their high school careers will be.May I suggest that mom check the school’s homework website for homework each night? Trust…but verify. A couple of weeks of making sure that he is completing each night’s assignments will determine if he is truly capable of being successful in his present classes. Only then should a parent begin to look at other issues that could be the problem.
Teens today often have a default setting of “bending the truth.” It is a sad fact in our society, and adults who interact with them should expect to ask the hard questions to help them get past this character weakness. Many, many students will quickly switch to the truth when more closely questioned, and I salute them for it. Part of my job as an educator is to help them make honesty their first policy…and parents must also make that a vital part of their job description, too.
Keep up the good work!
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Children lie because they feel that if they tell the truth they will get into trouble. Some of the lying has to do with hormones but most of it has to do with the fact they feel like you won’t understand. As you can see I’m only 13 and these things happen to me all the time. Parents take time to listen to your kids and what they have to say, their side of the story. Make the child feel like they can trust you into understanding how they feel
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Telling the truth to parents and adults isn’t easy. Especially when we know that the truth is going to get us in big trouble. Honestly some teens may find it easier to lie to a parent’s face then give them the horrible truth. If you feel like your son is lying to you then you may have to talk to him about the dangers lying can get him in. If it doesn’t work then he may have to learn the hard way how lying can get him into trouble. Tell him how you feel when he lies to you and ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around .
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I have lied to my parents before and have payed the price for it. You should never lie to them.
